#2 MADHUMITA : Battle with Self

Madhumita and Natasha were looking at each other. Madhu’s eyes filled with tears and Natasha seemed as if she is relieved.

“Madhu, it was this much only or you want to share something else too” Natasha questioned Madhu

“This much only! What do you mean by this much only? What else you want Natasha. I am ruined, I feel my life is finished and you are saying ‘this much only’.. Madhu burst into tears again…. ‘meri lag chuki hai’

” wait, wait. Hold on Madhu, have water dear. I am sorry. Please don’t cry. ” Natasha tried to console the weeping beauty.

But Madhumita continued with tears in her swollen eyes ” Natasha, I feel that I lost everything…. Us kamine ne… barbad kar diya mujhe

“Ok, but believe me Madhu, u did not loose anything. I was concerned for more disastrous things, that’s why I asked you, that ‘is there something else too’ that happened” Natasha was in explanation mode

“What do you mean by something else” Madhu looked angrily on Natasha as if she is responsible now for her sufferings

Natasha knew that Madhumita’s state of mind is different at present. Its difficult to talk to her now, as she is feeling guilty of a thing that she actually is not responsible for. Natasha wanted to first calm her down, make her comfortable and then talk about her issues.

“Come, lets go for a walk” Natasha changed the topic

“What, are you out of your mind. My life is finished and you want me to go out for a walk. I am not even courageous to step outside this room” Madhu reacted as if Natasha is trying to make fun of her

“really, do you really believe that your life is finished. I don’t think so. You are breathing, your heart is pumping, your senses are working… You are alive Madhu, your life is not finished” Natasha played supportive “come with me, we will go for a walk around, breathe in open air, hear birds chirping, feel the breeze. Please only one time I am asking you to accompany me”

Madhu tried to gather her courage and agreed with condition that only for 30 minutes and if she sees other students, she will return. Natasha agreed totally with all her demands.

Madhu changed to her off white kurti paired with beige leggings and sleepers. Natasha was in her black pyjamas and white T-shirt and her sports shoes. Natasha looked from top to bottom at Madhu and smiled. Very rarely did Madhu wear such dull combinations. Madhu is a fan of bright colours but as she is lost somewhere around 8 days ago, that too with a mountainous guilt, its expected to be evident even in her dressing style.

They both started roaming at a calm pace. Madhu looking at direction away from Natasha’s. It was 7.30 am in the morning. Breeze was soothing with sun shining through in between the trees. Birds were chirping. Natasha pointed at squirrels in the park “they look so beautiful na Madhu”

“what” asked Madhu as she was physically present there, but actually she was lost at that particular night.

“These…. squirrels”

“hmm” Madhu realised there were many around and looked them “they are so many Natasha”

“Thank God, you noted”

There were roses and jasmine shrubs present. Madhu looked at them. Natasha noted that flowers have diverted the mind of Madhu.

“do you like flowers, Madhu”

“yaa, I like flowers. They are so diverse, yet all look beautiful” Madhu replied while gently touching them.

“hey, dont touch them, they will be ruined, you may destroy their beauty, you may take away their fragrance ” Natasha hit a sarcasm at Madhu and instructed her to be away from them.

“no, they wont be. No one can take away their beauty and fragrance. Rest assured, they won’t be harmed” replied explicable Madhu

“are you sure” questioned Natasha with sparkle in her eyes. Natasha stopped purposefully and Madhu noted that Natasha is not accompanying her and left behind. She turned around and looked at Natasha and raised both her shoulders to ask Natasha what made her stop.

“Madhu when you are so sure about flowers, why you think about yourself in that way”

“what” Madhu was puzzled because she couldn’t realise the analogy

“Madhu, did you notice that no one around here is bothered about you or what happened in your life” Natasha looked around while saying.

Madhu stepped towards Natasha and looked around and said “I dont know. I just know that I did wrong and I cannot undo it” tears again found their place in her eyes as she tried to explain.

Natasha held her hands and looked into her eyes and in a very caring tone said “You know what, I believe that you did nothing wrong. You were not wrong. Believe me. Its true you can’t undo it so please accept it. But its also true that you are not ruined and have all reasons to live an absolutely normal life, be progressive yaar

These words of Natasha really worked as Madhu nodded and her lips cornered to one side in an attempt to give a smile (although fake).

Natasha looked at her watch, it was 8 :15 am “I am feeling hungry, lets go to canteen for breakfast”

“But…” replied Madhu

Natasha stared at her and Madhu nodded again, this time with her sweet smile which was casual and not fake.

They both went to canteen. Sat in a corner table, away from others. Madhumita did not go to take her breakfast and looked at her feet continuously. Natasha brought two plates. They both had poha in their breakfast. Madhu requested Natasha for one more plate (she was having breakfast after so many days).

Natasha knew that the recovery of Madhumita is faster than expected from her emotional injury, so she agreed.

They both went back to their rooms. On their way towards their room, few hostel mates met Madhu and asked her about her health “hi Madhu, how’s your fever now”

Madhu was confused and looking at Natasha replied “hmm…. better”.

Natasha interrupted before they could ask further “yaa, typhoid cause lots of weakness. Wish her fast recovery”

“yaa sure. She is a strong girl and will recover fast” they replied with a big smile towards Madhumita.

Madhumita reciprocated their gesture. They both moved towards their room. As soon as they entered Madhumita could not control herself “I think they were aware about all. Otherwise why they would have said that I am a strong girl… I mean recovering from fever does not require anyone to be strong… Natasha, I did tell you that I don’t want to step outside this room”

Natasha could not control her laughter “Madhu how could be you so negative. Dont mind but let me tell you one thing, nobody… believe me.. nobody in the campus is fu##ing interested to know what’s happening in THE MADHUMITA’S life. Ok, chill now. Yesterday evening I had a talk with those girls and they asked me why you didn’t perform in freshers party. I told them that you have typhoid. So you get out of that bullshit night….

Madhu was stunned and looked at Natasha as if she got some shock treatment and Natasha noticed that tears are trying again to find their place in Madhu’s eyes. She held Madhumita’s shoulders and tried to calm her before the tears could roll down her pink cheeks “Madhumita, my dear, the more you are lost in that night, more you are going to harm yourself. No one else is interested, but if you behave weird, everyone will try to find out the cause. Rohit did not tell anyone, ok. He is so very normal in the campus.”

Madhu could control her tears this time “hmm, will try. Let me have a bath”

Natasha winked at Madhu “do you want me to accompany you dear in bathing or you will be able to manage yourself… Help karu kya” both of them burst into laughter.

Madhu did wear her red pyjama and yellow T-shirt. Natasha smiled at her “now that’s our Madhumita in her bright and lively colours”

Madhu replied ” Colours attract positivity in the same way as flowers attract butterflies” while managing her wet hairs with her towel.

“Hmm” replied Natasha “hey Madhu tell me one thing. Did you people use protection? ”

“What” Madhu stand still

“protection…. condom” Natasha in an excitement.

“ohh” Madhu gazed outside the window “yes”

“thank god” Natasha sighed “I was really worried about it, one of the disastrous things…… I was talking about earlier”

“we did use…I mean he did use…. ” Madhumita looked confuse

“yaa dear, actually condom is used together, don’t hesitate. Its a good practice you know”

“Tell me one more thing. Did you see any of your (ehmm) nude pics or video in his mobile” Natasha bombarded another question

“Nooo…” replied Madhu.

“This is the second disastrous things I was really worried” Natasha replied

“hmm” Madhu with her eyes wide open “I didn’t think that way”

“When he expressed his love for you” asked Natasha

“means?” replied Madhu

“When did he say magical words to you during your dating and all” Natasha was ready with her questionnaire.

“what” said Madhu

“Uff magical words, means I Love You” Natasha

After thinking for a while Madhumita replied “nooo… I don’t remember that he ever said that to me, but the way he used to talk to me…… , we used to spend time together alone….. , I thought there was no need of those magical words between us, it was self explanatory….. Or may be yes, I was over assuming….. may be I was wrong to interpret his emotions or feelings…. May be yes… I mean yessss… He never said those magical words to me, not even on that night ”

” He didn’t tell anyone in campus I guess. He is as normal as usual. Once when he visited canteen with his friends, he even asked about you” Natasha told Madhu

“Hmm, may be I, myself was attracted towards him. And I assumed myself that he loves me too…and I felt being cheated, by the person whom I loved and this feeling of betrayal is killing my soul” Madhu was now in expressive mode.

“May be it was really an attraction from him, and without his acceptance I assumed everything by myself. But, still whatever happened was wrong and now I feel that I did more wrong. I should not have allowed him, why did I felt that this is the way to express my love towards him…. Natasha, why I couldn’t control myself that night and it happened thrice. I thought that I found my love of life, how blessed I felt that particular night and the very next morning, I was broken into pieces ” Madhu sat on chair trying to express her heart out.

” Did you achieve that” Natasha’s next question was ready

“what?” Madhu could not understand

“uff, my sweet little girl, I am asking did you reach there. Did you reach orgasm baby” Natasha was in a notorious tone this time

A small smile prevailed Madhu’s lips, her eyes now gazed at her feet, her hands clenched her towel……

“Dont be shy queen THE MADHUMITA, tell me, did you reach” Natasha was eager to know

“yes” Madhu replied in a very low voice

“wow, saaalliii…. Madhu… Yaar tujhe aur kya chahiye, bekar me devdas bani baithi hai” Natasha was awestruck. “I mean, you reached there in your first, what else you want” and laughed patting Madhumita’s back.

“My dear girl, you yourself was carried away by your feelings towards him. He never ever told you magical words. It was your assumption and you did what your heart instructed you. Most importantly, you people used condom while fu##ing, there were no recording. And the best part you enjoyed it. It was a safe sex. Ulta tujhe to khush hona chahiye. You did it with hottest guy of campus, that too in your teenage” Natasha sounded excited.

Madhumita did not know how to react “but I should not have done all this. Its not acceptable in society, this is wrong”

“everything is wrong and nothing is right …. and….nothing is wrong and everything is right… All depends on your attitude towards life. I feel you did nothing wrong”

“Natasha it was wrong. How will I face my husband in future . How will he react when he will come across this aspect of mine….. I lost everything” Madhu was gazing outside the window, trying to avoid eye contact with Natasha

Natasha stood up and went towards window and said “if you see it through my perspective you did not loose anything except your virginity, in fact you gained experience before entering in your twenties” and both were looking outside the window.

Natasha continued “who will tell your future husband about your past. No one but you. So you have to forget your past. Its all in your mind dear. Just imagine if you erase all your memory uptil now, then who will tell you what you did….. No one…..similarly if you do not leave your past behind how will you accept your future ”

Madhumita was now trying to go deeper into the saying of Natasha. She continued to listen. Natasha continued

” I must say and you please also take it in this way. You gained good time, good sex, safe sex, your first experience which took you to (ehm) your orgasm with a boy you were attracted to. Nothing was there to loose. If you do not change your attitude, then you may loose many things like you may loose your semester or even admission, your career, your aspirations. So choice is yours Madhumita. ”

” Just give a thought that why you came here, to seek a groom, do marriage or something else “Natasha looked at Madhumita

She replied “no, I came here to get best education and be successful…. marriage was never on my mind, but after meeting Rohit, thoughts of love and marriage captivated my mind”

Madhu continued, “you are right Natasha. I HAVE TO MOVE FORWARD as its the only option that I have. There is no way out. But for this I know I have to face battle with self day in and day out and I don’t know whether I will win or loose this battle, but I have to try and only I can try this”

Natasha could convince Madhumita to MOVE FORWARD. She stood as a firm support with Madhu and even changed her thought process. Will Madhumita emerge as a winner or looses battle with self. If yes, how and if no whats her fate…… Will come again with the next part of Madhumita’s journey of life… Till then lots of love to you all๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•

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